Fighting For Grace

Where to begin?  It’s been a rough week. It felt like the week that was never going to end.  Sickness, tiredness, stress, sadness, regret, loneliness, embarrassment, the list could go on and on. Like I said, rough week.  It’s been a hard week to seek and find joy.  It’s been a hard week to seek anything other than the comfort of my bed, pillow, and my favorite blanket.  The past couple days all I’ve wanted is to run away from it all; to leave the stress, and sadness, and embarrassment, and all those not so nice feelings and just go.  Unfortunately, that’s not a real option.  So here I am.

Last weekend, I went to dinner with such a sweet, sweet friend and had a such a special and uplifting conversation.  Sharing stories about the evidence of God’s grace in our lives.  We spent lots of time encouraging each other and discussing how to keep fighting for joy and peace and a real walk with the Lord even when life gets crazy and you have those “not so good” days.  

Well this week has been filled with those not so good days.  Thankfully, I know that I have sweet friends praying for me, encouraging me, and walking with me, but the days were/are still hard.  On several different occasions this week I was in situations with people where my actions were not very Christ-like.  I didn’t choose to extend grace, I chose to get even.  I didn’t choose to let things go, I chose to let them simmer, and react to people in a very unloving way.  To say I’m disappointed in myself is understatement.  The Lord convicted me about actions almost immediately.  Conviction isn’t fun, but I am thankful for it.  

This is the first time, since I fully gave control over my life to the Lord, that I felt like I fell back in to who I once was.  Not completely, but certain actions and behaviors that have surfaced in my life, definitely reminded me of who I once was and who I no longer desire to be.  

Nothing I’ve done or said has been “that terrible,” and to others it might not seem like a big deal at all, might even seem as if I’m making a mountain out of a mole-hill. But, to me it felt/fells like I’m allowing sin to creep back in to my life.  I’m allowing myself to go back to a place that I never want to be at again.  A place where I was cold to people who hurt me, a place where I wanted to get even to make other people feel or experience what they made me feel, a very selfish, unloving, and hurtful place.  That’s a scary feeling, to feel like you’ve been sucked back in to something that you’ve worked so hard to get out of.

Pridefully, it’s hard to admit this, it’s way easier to blame others for making me “feel” a certain way, but at the end of the day I’m responsible for my feelings and how I react to them. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few days sulking and feeling sorry for myself.  The truth is that’s going to get me nowhere, fast.  Instead of drawing nearer to the Lord, I pulled away, and pulled away from people who love and care about, probably more out of shame than anything else.  

Last night, during my quiet time I was searching the Word for a prayer, because quite honestly I didn’t know the words to pray.  I quickly found Psalm 51:10, 

"Create in me a clean heart, O God,

And renew a steadfast spirit within me." 

That was and is what I needed to hear and what I needed to pray.  I need a clean heart and I need God to renew me.  I need to be drawn back, I need more of Him and less of me.  Thankfully, God’s in the business of renewing, forgiving, and making people new--daily.  My heart hasn’t instantly been healed.  I still feel guilty for my actions and attitude towards others, but I know God has made me new.  

I don’t like this feeling, I don’t like disappointing others or myself, I hate the choices I made, but this is definitely a learning experience.  I’m learning that I’m not going to be perfect, I’m going to screw up, that I’m going to be tempted to fall back into old habits, and that I’m in constant need of a Savior.  I’m also seeing areas of my life for continued growth.  It doesn’t feel good, it hurts, but I know God’s working on my heart and in my life to make me more like Him.  I need to be aware of my reactions to people, my attitude towards others, and I definitely need to be loving in all circumstances, not just when it’s easy.  

Philippians 1:6 says, “And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.”

So thankful that God’s work is never finished and that the cross is always enough to cover all my sins, mistakes, and stupid choices.  I continue to pray that God will change my heart; that falling back into my old ways of reacting to people and situations would no longer be a temptation in my life. I don’t want to be the person that I once was, I want my life to be a reflection of the grace and love that was and is always extended to me, even though I’m so undeserving. 

The last thing I wanted to do tonight was sit and be quiet with the Lord, because of the embarrassment and shame I felt, but it’s been the most at peace I’ve felt in days.  The God who spins the planets was right here waiting for me.  Tonight, I’m choosing to let the past be the past. I’m choosing to seek forgiveness from those I hurt and to make a conscious effort, with the help of the Spirit within me, to change and not revert or fall back into my sinful nature.  I’m choosing to live in the freedom, forgiveness, and the love of Christ.  I’m choosing not to carry the burden of my shame because He did that for me on the cross.