Being Single and Being at Peace

In three shorts days, I'll be 25. A quarter of a century old. And guess what? I'm still single. gasp. 

This topic used to make me really uncomfortable and insignificant, but God has really changed my heart and my perspective on being single.  I used to be so consumed about finding someone, anyone to love me.  

My hearts desire, like most women, and people in general is to give and receive love.  But, my relationship status used to define so much of who I was and what I believed I was worth.  I didn't put all my self-worth in to what guys thought of me, but I did spend a lot of time questioning why I wasn't good enough. I started to question by year 23 and 24 why no one was interested, or why it never works out? Or what I was doing wrong that everyone else around me was doing right? 

God and I wrestled with this a lot. I grew up loving the verse Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." Well to me that didn't make sense. Some of my most sincere and heartfelt desires in life are to get married and have a family, since the time I can remember all I wanted to be was a mom. I couldn't understand if I wanted it so badly why God wasn't giving me what I wanted. I desired it--I should have it, was my thought process for long time.  

Recently I've come to love this verse even more, because now I think I have a truer sense of what it means. I was solely focused on the latter half of that verse, and completely skipped over the initial and most important and meaningful part. Delight yourself in the Lord. Powerful. 

Recently, my life has began changing for the better (see previous blog post) and there's a lot of growth I still desire for myself, but I'm beginning to understand what it means to delight yourself in the Lord. For me, I used to think oh I need something..."oh hey God....." and then go on about my day, thinking no more of it, than hey I need a favor. Now my communication with God is constant, I'm constantly asking and questioning if what I'm doing is glorifying Him or not. I fail, and I fail a lot. But my heart's desire now is to be constantly in the presence of our Holy God to delight myself in Him alone, to have Him be enough.

Questions from family and friends about whether or not I have a boyfriend or why I didn't used to really bother me. They really really made me feel insignificant and unworthy.  But I no longer have those feelings, while the constant questioning and attempts by people to set me up aren't always encouraging my heart doesn't hurt the way it used to.  

I know God has great things in store for me, I don't know whether that involves a future with a husband and kids or not. Hopefully, yes because my heart's desire is still to be married and raise a family with someone I love, but even more than that my heart's greatest desire is be in God's will for my life, so that doesn't include a future relationship and family than I trust God will change and shift the desires of my heart.

Until then, I'll continue to pray that I won't feel insignificant or unworthy because I'm single.  I'll continue to pray for my (maybe) future husband and trust that the Lord knows my heart.  My relationship status doesn't define me.  There's a quote by Stasi Eldgedge that I love,

 "A woman in her glory, a woman of beauty, is a woman who is not striving to become beautiful or worthy or enough. She knows in her quiet center where God dwells that he finds her beautiful, has deemed her worthy, and in him she is enough."

My worth and my value is not of this world and I couldn't be more thankful for that.

So since God's changed my heart on my view of singleness a lot of other things have changed too; I guess it's kind of a ripple effect.  I don't want just any guy anymore.  I'm no longer interested in spending my time pursuing relationships that aren't glorifying to the Lord. 

I want a man who loves the Lord more than he loves me, and will love me the way Christ loved the church.  I don't want flings, I don't want flirty text, I want commitment, I want forever.  

Even though someday that's the type of relationship and man I want, I'm no longer looking for someone, I'm trusting that in God's sovereignty and timing if it's in His will, it'll happen. Trying to find someone is no longer a priority in my life. 
     
The way I behave and dress has/will continue to change.  I want what I wear and how I act and carry myself to not only glorify God, but encourage others. There's lots of things people, and guys in particular, struggle with and if dressing a little more modestly helps someone avoid sin, then it's absolutely worth it to me.  Also, I don't want my clothing to make me like a wild animal trying to attract a mate, not my intention and not the attention I want. 


There's so much change happening in my life right now, and I'm so thankful for the encouragement and support of my friends and church family.  God's doing big and beautiful things in my life and I'm excited about how he's changing and shaping me to become more like Him.

One last things that I want to share one is a short video, it's the type of love I'm waiting for, I just love it. It's honest and true, and it's a love worth waiting for: A Crucifixion Type Love.