This Is My Story...

This is a hard post to write.  It's filled with things that I'm not proud of, and things I desperately wish were not a part of my story.  But they are, and I feel compelled to share.  I know that God has made me new, so with that here we go...

I grew up in the church.  My fondest memories are with my friends whom I grew up with.  Most of my life revolved around church and activities that happened there.  I spent almost all of Wednesday nights there as a kid, and almost all day on Sundays.  I loved it, it made me feel safe, it felt like home.

I also grew up hearing and knowing Bible stories and knowing that Jesus loved me.  I sang the songs, recited the verses, and knew the stories.  These are all great and beautiful things, don't get me wrong, I loved that my parents instilled a love of Christ in from such a young age, but it took years for me to truly understand and appreciate salvation, grace, redemption, and freedom and it's something I continue to learn about and appreciate more each and every day.

I remember the night at my nana's house when I told my mom I wanted to put my faith in Jesus Christ.  I was seven years old, sitting on the edge of the bed, praying the ABC prayer.  I know I needed Jesus, and I knew He loved me, and that I loved Him, but nothing radical really happened in my life--probably because I was seven.

Anyways, years went by.  I continued to walk the walk and talk the talk, but I had a tendency to do just that.  It didn't go a lot deeper, there wasn't a lot substance behind what I believed.  I had grown up in the church, I knew Christ died for me, I knew the right answers, and I made the right choices, but my heart was not seeking after Christ and I certainly wasn't seeking the will of God in my life.

Junior year of high school came and I attended a church camp one summer where God totally wrecked my world.  God was tugging on my heart--calling me to a place of complete surrender but I wasn't fully there.  I knew my life needed to change.  I knew it.  But I was playing the bartering game with God. (which isn't a wise game to play FYI)  I would offer God certain areas of my life in exchange for a relationship.  Or I would say, think, or pray things that told God I would give myself to Him IF...

Now, in retrospect, I know there is no IF.  I am called to give everything because Christ gave Himself for me.  There is no bartering, there is nothing, but complete and full surrender.  17 year old Heather however was only after what I wanted.  I was selfish.  I was so selfish.  I still knew all the right answers and made all the right choices, but I was still choosing to live life for me.

A couple years went by and my heart was hardened to not only God but everyone.  During college, I was so desperate to be loved and I looked for that love in ALL the wrong places.  I was constantly infatuated with guys who were no good for me.  I was willing to give more than I should have to show them that I cared in a desperate attempt to feel loved.  Every time.  Every single time I was left heart broken, wondering why I wasn't good enough, or why no one ever wanted me.  In the back of my mind and in the depths of my heart, I could feel God calling me to Him.  But I refused, I was angry.  I didn't understand why a God who "loved" me would allow me to feel so hurt, so broken, so used.

Looking back, God was so present in those years in my life, protecting me from guys and relationships, He rescued me again and again from guys whom I had no purpose being with or pursing.  He saved me, over and over again, He provided.  Also, looking back now I know that  I was broken and hurt because of ME.  I wasn't at all seeking God's will for my life or praying through any decisions, I was just longing to be loved and I looked for it in all the wrong places with all the wrong people.

So it was my between my junior year of college when I turned 21.  I had never drank before the day I turned 21.  I was a rule follower.  I thought following the rules somehow made me better than others, I was dead wrong.  My heart was still broken, I still wasn't right with the Lord.  I was no better than anyone else.  Legalism doesn't equate salvation or a healthy spiritual life, if only I knew that then.   So the night I turned 21, I went out, drank had a good time, didn't understand what all the hype was about but I so badly wanted to be accepted and loved by others that I began drinking, not all the time, but enough to make a habit out of going out at least a couple weekends enough.

I was turning into someone I didn't like, but yet didn't quite know how to stop it.  Still in depths of my heart I could hear the Lord saying, Heather come back to me, I have so many greater things in store for you.  But I didn't listen, I didn't turn, I just kept living my life the way I wanted to live it.  I was having a good time, I had "good" friends, and I could for the most part justify to myself the decisions that I was making.

Life took a turn for the worse, even though I didn't see it that way then, when I began talking to a guy.  At the time I thought it was the best thing that ever happened to me, I thought my life was turning out exactly how I wanted it, but I was SO wrong.  I was getting the attention I so desperately longed for, I was doing well in school, and I was enjoying my life.  Although I knew the relationship, if you can even call it that, was not a great idea I ignored my better judgement and went with it because it felt good and it was fun.  In the process of this "relationship" I ruined one if not the most important relationship in my life, and to this day that is still one of my biggest regrets.  I gave more of myself to this one person than I ever should have because I just wanted it to work, I just wanted so desperately to be loved by him.  It wasn't love and didn't love me no matter how much of myself I gave emotionally, physically, and spiritually.  It ended almost as quickly as it started and I was left to pick up the pieces.

I was heart-broken.  Like didn't think my heart would ever be the same again heart broken.  And quite honestly my heart will never be the same because I gave away sacred parts of myself.  I share things with this person things that should have been saved for my future husband.  After it was over, I was lost.  I was broken.  I was hurt. I was without my best friend. I was confused. I didn't know how to move on.  I didn't even feel like I knew who I was.

I put all of myself into this one relationship.  My identify was wrapped up in this one person, and I didn't know how to be Heather without Him. Again, looking back I am so thankful that God was faithful even in my rebellion to protect me from something at the the time I didn't want protection against!

After the end of that relationship, I again looked for love in all the wrong places.  I continued to seek my identity and value through relationships.  I continued to go out on the weekends with my friends and drink.  I continued to be selfish and daily I made a choice to deny God and live for myself.  That is something I'm so ashamed of; looking back I lost so much time  in my life where I could have been serving, honoring, and glorifying the Lord but instead I was choosing to live for myself.

A year or so past and drinking was no longer fun to me, it was stupid, I felt convicted when I went out. I hated the way I felt when I did it.  I knew it wasn't what I was supposed to be doing, or who God called me to be.  I felt the tugging at my heart more and more.  I decided that I was going to stop drinking, it just wasn't for me.  It wasn't necessarily a decision I made because of my relationship with the Lord at the time, it was more of a "I don't like to not be in control of myself" decision. But I stopped. And I haven't drank since, again I'm so thankful that God rescued me from this!  

But my need to be loved and seeking my identity in relationships with guys didn't stop when the drinking did.  For some reason I felt that in order to fully me I needed someone of the opposite sex to deem me worthy.  Thankfully, God has completely changed my heart on this subject now.  I know that I am beautiful and loved because I was made in the image of God.  Ephesians 2:10 says,
"For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
 But, back then I was still saying and doing things that I had no business saying or doing with guys, because I SO badly wanted to just be loved.

It's remarkable to me, that during all of the years, God continued to love me, even when I was covered with sin, I was still His, He still wanted me, He still knew my name and longed for me to come home to Him.  What a Savior!  I am continually amazed by the grace that was and still is extended to me!

Life began to change for me in April of this past year.  I had just been let down by another guy.  Been made to feel like I wasn't good enough.  And I knew something in my life needed to change.  For the next couple of months I wrestled with what that meant for me and what change I needed to make.

I knew that God loved me, but at that point I felt so unworthy of love.  I felt so stuck in my walk with the Lord, because let's be honest I wasn't really walking with the Lord at all.  I didn't really know how to get to a good place with God because of all the poor choices I had made in my life.  I felt dirty, defeated, and undeserving of anything God had to offer me.  Yet I went to him, completely and utterly defeated. I didn't have much left to give, but I begged and pleaded for God to take everything from me.  I asked God to break me, so He could remake me.  I wanted desperately to be molded by Him.   I asked for so much forgiveness for the choices I had made, the people I had hurt, and the way I had been living.  I asked Him to put a desire in my heart to truly seek Him and desire the Lord.   I asked Him to take complete control of my life because I could no longer do it on my own.  I asked for Him to cleanse me and make me new.

And He did, He was and is so faithful!  If you haven't experienced grace, let me tell you it is such a beautiful gift!  I didn't deserve forgiveness, but it was extended to me fully without question and without hesitation.  God was right there waiting for me, that's LOVE!  That's the love that for years I had desperately been searching for.  Ever since that day where I completely surrendered my life to the Lord nothing has been the same and I couldn't be more thankful.  My life is being made new, it's no longer my own, and I feel like such a burden has been lifted.  My life is in the hands of Holy God!

It wasn't an overnight fix and God continues to work on my heart and mold me to be more like Him.  But I have already been freed from so much.  I know my identity is Christ alone.  I know I don't need to seek love in relationships, but I'm called to love others the way Christ loves me.  I know I no longer need to fear the future or circumstances of this Life because God is so much bigger than things of this world.  I know I need to live in peace and trust the Lord in all things!  I have been freed from the burden of caring around my sin and my shame.  Although those choices will always be a part of my story, they no longer define me. Sin lost it's power over me!

There are so many things from my past that I'm not proud of, any many things I wish I could urge others to avoid so they don't have to endure the heartache I have endured.  There are so many different things I wish I could change or take back, but I can't.  I know that.  As much as I wish I could I cannot change the mistakes and choices I've made, but I do know that God has forgiven me and I have been made right with Him through the sacrifice that Jesus made on the cross.  And I know that even though there's some parts of my story that are just plain ugly, my story can be used to glorify God, ugly filthy sin and all.

I know that I now live in the freedom of Christ, and there is NO place that I'd rather be and no safer place for me to be.  I know God has called me live in a place of peace with Him.  I know that if He calls me, I'll go no matter where that is.  I know that no matter how messy my story is or how shameful my sin was, it's been made beautiful because of the grace that was extended to me by a Loving God sending His son to take my place on the cross.  I know that my life will be full of struggle and that I'm going to have to continue to fight to have intimacy with the Lord.  But I also know that I want to fight, that I treasure what I have, and my relationship with Christ means more than the world to me.

Daily I choose to follow Jesus, to take up my cross and follow Him no matter what the cost.  Daily I choose to die to the sin, the fears, the idols, and myself to glorify the Lord and make Him known.

My story isn't rainbows and butterflies, it's full of pain, heart-break, and despair, but more importantly it's filled with grace, redemption, hope, and unconditional love that is only offered through Jesus Christ.  This isn't the end of my story though, I know God will be faithful to continue to use me and reveal Himself to me.  This is only the beginning.  I am so awed and thankful that God continues to make all things new!

For those of you who read all of this thank you for sticking with it, I know it was long, wordy.  But, I appreciate you for caring enough to read my story and want to thank you for loving me! Please continue to pray that God will continue to reveal Himself in a very real and relevant way in my life.