This past week I had the honor and privilege of traveling to Palm Springs, FL with the SMRBC youth group. I didn't have any idea of what my role would be, or how the week would pan out, but I went. Honestly, before we left I wasn't looking forward to the week that much, I had just returned from FL the week earlier, I was tired, exhausted, and drained, but I was committed to going.
The trip started off rough from the very beginning, it was quite evident that Satan was working against us. We experienced two different instances of mechanical problems on the bus, but God was faithful and provided. It ended up taking us 21 LONG hours on what usually is a 12 hour trip to arrive at our destination, but we made it!
The theme for the week was "Rugged and Radiant," and for those of you who know me well, rugged isn't a word I would use to describe myself or something I have ever attained to be. It's just not me, Heather Wyatt is not rugged.
The scripture we were studying was out of 2 Corinthians 4. Danny often spoke about how we very clay pots. In my head, I'm envisioning this PERFECT clay pot, spotless, perfectly shaped, just right pot. (Obviously I'm a perfectionist.) But what I discovered throughout the week is that it we're not called to be spotless, and perfect, and just right. God calls us to be broken, and it makes sense. How does light shine through a clay pot unless there are cracks? How can God possibly be glorified in my life if I'm so consumed in making sure the outward appearance of my life is "perfect," instead of exposing my brokenness and letting Christ shine through.
So...Brokenness...
All week God and I were wrestling with what this meant in my life. What did it look like for me to be broken and completely surrendered to a Holy God? I by no means have this completely figured out. God and I are still working through this daily. But I do know it has a lot to do with control. Those who know me well know that I like to be in control, and given my profession that makes sense. I mean have you ever seen a classroom that it is out of control? Chaos. Anyways, God has been laying on my heart for quite some time that I need to relinquish control of ALL areas of my life, not just the ones I feel comfortable handing over to Him. I can't say "God you can have control of the relationships in my life, but I'm going to hold on to my career and where I live." God doesn't call me to give SOME of myself to Him, he calls me to a place of complete surrender.
I had quite a long talk with a close friend one night during the week, about what I've been struggling with and my fear of reality of being somewhat "stuck" in my faith. I wasn't necessarily doing anything wrong but I knew my heart wasn't where it needed to be. I needed to be unstuck, I needed God to make me feel uncomfortable, I needed to feel broken again. Weird right? To seek out a feeling of brokenness. When I say broken, I don't mean feeling hopeless, lost, confused, or despaired, I mean dying to myself and letting the Lord have free reign over ALL areas of my life.
It's funny to me that I am so anxious and unwilling to hand every party of life over to the Lord--why would I not trust in His sovereignty? It just doesn't make sense. In my mind and in my heart I know that God created me, He knows every intricate detail about me. He created me for a purpose and knew my name since before the beginning of time. Why would I not want to put all of my trust and hope in Him, why would I not want let go and dwell in Him? And all I've come up with is....sin. My pride, my need to control things, my self-sufficency all stand in the way of my complete surrender. These are things that God and I are working through.
One day during my quiet time in FL I was reading a passage out of 2 Corinthians 5. I got to verse 14 and felt like God was speaking right to me,
"Either way, Christ’s love controls us. Since we believe that Christ died for all, we also believe that we have all died to our old life. He died for everyone so that those who receive his new life will no longer live for themselves. Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them."
I didn't have an epiphany, but I did in that moment realize that my life is REALLY not my own. I have "known" that for a long time, growing up in the church it's something you hear frequently, but in that moment it resinated with me. My life isn't about me, or what makes ME feel comfortable or about what I wanted. It's about Christ, and sharing grace and love with people whether it's Palm Springs, Richmond, or anywhere else I'm led to go. It's about surrendering my plans and control and letting God truly be Lord of my life.
During my talk with my friend she encouraged me to be vulnerable with God, to really let myself just be in presence and to give it all to him. So I did, I sat on the side of a building, alone and prayed with hands and heart open. One thing at a time I told God that I was giving it Him--this was not a short list. I have never felt more free and there hasn't been a time in my life when I've been more at peace. I prayed no magical words that day and I looked like a fool, I'm sure of it, but my heart was open and ready to let go and let God be God.
Obviously my struggle didn't automatically end, intimacy and trust with the Lord is something I have to continue to fight for, but it's worth the fight. I'm at a place now where I know what I need to do and I know what I need to surrender. I find myself throughout the day saying, "I'm not going to let ______ make me anxious, I give it to you Lord." There is nothing more freeing for me than complete and wholly surrender.
The last (or at least I think it was the last) night in FL, Andrew played a song I'd never heard before, but it was like God was speaking right to me. For real, I felt like no one else was in that room but me and Lord. The song was called, Nothing I Hold On To. The lyrics are so simple, but God used them that night in a powerful way.
"I lean not on my own understanding, My life is in the hands of the maker of heaven
I give it all to you God, Trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
There is nothing I hold onto"
Daily, I realize that I need to surrender, hold on to nothing, and trust that God will make something beautiful out of the brokenness of me.
Good Word
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