I swore after the last time, I would never let myself get back to this place again, but here I am again. Experiencing the same hurt, the same pain, and the same rejection that left me feeling broken and worthless the first time. I thought it would be different, but it wasn't. I opened myself again, only to be told again, "you're just not quite good enough." That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. "Not quite good enough" What else can do I? What do I need to change to make myself "good enough." I can't figure it. All I know is the hurt doesn't feel any different the second time around, it might even be a little more painful.
I was SO hopeful, so hopeful that this time things would be different. It felt good, it felt right, but just like that--it's over. No warning, no signs, just done and here I am again to pick of the pieces and try to put myself back together. And most of the time I'm really good at acting like I don't care and that's probably because I care too much. I opened myself again knowing the risk was there to be hurt the way I was hurt before--and it happened. I guess I should have expected it, I guess I should have seen it coming but I didn't. I was optimistic that this time things would be different, that I would be "enough." But I wasn't.
So here I am. Unsure again of how to let go and move on. There's a part of me that doesn't want to. There's a part of me that wants to say "Are you sure, are you really sure," But then there's another part of me that knows I deserve so much more than being someone's second choice. I'm just really not good at letting people go and moving on (again, I care too much.) My relationships with people are one of the things that I value most out of life so just letting someone go and moving on without them in my life is such a hard thing for me to do.
I feel like from the outside looking in it's so easy. You get the, "You'll find someone so much better," "You deserve more," "Just give it time, it will get better." Easy to say, but in reality not easy at all. Whether I deserve more or not, my heart feels what it feels regardless of what anyone says. I wish it was just as easy as saying "I'm done, I'm moving on to bigger and better things," but it's not. Not after all the time that has been invested. Not after I was so so so so so hopeful. And I guess in a way it was blind optimism, because I knew there was a very likely possibility that I would be back in this same spot again, and I am. But what if I wouldn't have taken the chance, what if I would have never known. I think I'd rather deal with the pain than with the "what ifs."
All of I'm sure of at this point is that I feel broken and alone even though I'm surrounded by people who love and support me. It just sucks when the one person who can make things better, is the one who is causing the pain.
Even though, I've been here before, I don't know where to go to from here. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm not ready to let go. I feel like I just want to scream why aren't you willing to give this a chance. But I can't, there's no use, not when someone else has already checked out. So what do I do? Pretend it's all okay when it isn't? Become a really good actress? Smile through the pain, even though it's killing me inside? I've done it before, I guess I can do it again. I just don't want to. I don't want to give up, I don't want to move on. I just want it to work, but there's no use in arguing that when someone else isn't interested. I know I'll be okay, I always am, it just takes time (or so they say.)
I'm just so ready to be someone's first choice, to be the person worth fighting for instead of the one that's always let go.
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