Why I really didn't want to read Ezekiel, but I'm glad I am

So it’s been a while, a long while since I’ve sat down the write a blog post.  Honestly I’m apprehensive writing this one even now, because being vulnerable and sharing my heart isn’t exactly a comfortable place for lately.  BUT, I’ve felt the Lord pressing me to share and write, so here I am…

For the past couple of months I’ve been reading slowly through the book of Ezekiel.  Can we talk about how long this book is?? It’s long. Like 48 chapters long.  And if I’m being honest, it’s been rough.  I haven’t loved it, it’s been confusing, I wasn’t sure what the Lord wanted to teach me from the Scripture I was reading, but I kept reading, kept praying, kept waiting. 

At first, there wasn’t a lot of hope from what I was reading in Ezekiel, there was a lot of punishment, and wrath, and anger, and while it was all righteous, those things just don’t make me feel all warm and fuzzy.  But, they’re there so I was working through them.  Then I got to Ezekiel 11, more punishment, more death, BUT then HOPE!  Even in the midst of God’s anger and wrath, He gives hope! 

In Ezekiel 11:16, The Lord says He will be a Sanctuary during their time in exile. 

How many times have you felt like you were exiled?  Maybe not physically, but spiritually, emotionally you just feel like you’re in a really dark place, walking around in the wilderness wondering if God knows where you are, or how bad you’re hurting.  I’ve had many times in my life where I’ve felt like that.  In fact, recently I’ve been going through a season of fighting being in that dark place.   

Often times when we’re in those dark places we wonder, “why is this happening?”  And while that question isn’t always answered I think we have a beautiful assurance in verse 16 that the Lord is ever present, He is there, He is our Sanctuary. 

Sanctuary by definition means a place of refuge or safety.  What a beautiful picture!  Our God, our holy, righteous, and perfect God offers to be a place of refuge for us.  In the midst of all this punishment, and wrath, here in verse 16 is a perfect example of how God is so merciful to His people.  The Israelites were really messed up, they had completely abandoned the Lord, but He hadn’t forgotten about them.  While punishment was necessary to draw them back to Himself, He also offered Himself as a refuge to those who were faithful.  He hadn’t left, He was right there. 

That one verse was so encouraging for me.  While Ezekiel hadn’t been my favorite book of the Bible to read, God definitely spoke to me through it!

In my dark days, He taught me that He is my Sanctuary.  When life is hard, and it’s hard a lot of the times, God is right there, just waiting for me to run to Him.  He offers rest in His presence.  So while the dark times are hard, there is hope, because the God who created the universe is waiting for His children to come to Him to find rest, peace, and assurance that He is good and faithful! 

Skip down a couple of verses to Ezekiel 11:19 and you’ll come to find one of my favorite verses in all of Scripture.  It was hard to read, but again it has provided me with so much hope in who God is!  

 Ezekiel 11:19 says,

“I will give them an undivided heart and put a new spirit in them; I will remove from them their heart of stone and give them a heart of flesh.”

An undivided heart.  Say what?  We live in a world where we’re pulled in a thousand different directions day in and day out.  Our work, our families, school, friends, relationships all have a tendency to pull us this way and that way.  BUT we are called to have an undivided heart.  What does that mean?  Honestly I wasn’t sure.  I thought and prayed on that for over two weeks.  I knew it sounded like something I wanted.  So I prayed.  God show me what an undivided heart looks like.  Teach me what that means.  Fill me with you. 

So I’m obviously no biblical scholar but here’s what I came up with for what an undivided heart means to me.  An undivided heart is a heart that is intimately connected to the heart of Jesus.  An undivided heart is a heart that recognizes that God is absolutely your first love and there is no competition, the Lord is first.  Having an undivided heart is being solely devoted to the Lord and His will.  So I felt confident in my understanding of what an undivided heart was, and I knew I wanted that. 

It’s been almost two years since the Lord radically changed my life on a picnic bench with Anna in Florida and I couldn’t be more grateful that He did.  Ever since that night everything in my life has changed.  My priorities, my attitude, my insecurities, my self-image and self-worth, my words, my world views, my views on relationships, literally everything changed in the most beautiful way.  And while everything has changed, I’ve also recognized how easily sin can creep back in to my life and quickly take hold.  It doesn’t take much for to find my value in who other people say I am, instead of who my Savior and Creator says I am.   It’s really easy for me to become bitter and sarcastic with my words to others.  I am constantly in desperate need of Jesus and His spirit.

In order for me to live a life with an undivided heart I’ve realized and the Lord has shown that I have to choose.  It’s a daily choice.  In the same that I choose which people I spend my time with, I either choose or choose not to be walking intimately with my Savior and King.  Every day I want to choose to wholeheartedly pursue Jesus.  I want to be diligent and intentional about my relationship with Him first.  He HAS to be my first love, that is the only place in my heart where He belongs. 

So how do I choose?  Prayer.  I ask God to renew me and give me an undivided heart.  I don’t normally share my prayers with other people, but I’m sharing in hopes that you’ll see my heart and maybe, just maybe it’ll help someone else. 

Here’s a prayer that I wrote down in my journal on January 2^nd:

“Father God, I come to You now to be restored in You to be renewed in You to receive Your Love and Your life and all the grace and mercy I so desperately need today and everyday.  I honor You as my sovereign Lord and I want to surrender every aspect of my life totally and completely to You.  I give You my spirit, soul, and body, my heart, and my mind. I ask Your Holy Spirit to restore and renew me in You and lead me today. Lord help me be led by the spirit and not by emotions. Help me fight against feelings of indifference and apathy even when I'm hurt and they feel righteous. Help me continue to love others and display the fruits of the spirit in my life even when I tired, I feel discouraged, hurt, or defeated. Lord help me rest in You and You alone. Jesus help me be still, and let you be Lord. Father you tell me, that you will fight for me that I just need to be still. God, that's a hard thing for me, Lord please help me find peace in the stillness and comfort in You. Forgive me for having a divided heart. A heart that is ruled by emotion and feelings instead of by you. Forgive me for not being kind and loving to those around me. Forgive me for being bitter with my words and indifferent with my actions. Lord I need you, in a real and radical way. Help me relinquish all of who I am to you. Let me lay every part of who I am at the foot of the cross. I don't want to hold anything back from you Lord. God I want to continue to feel boldly convicted, God continue to ask me to hard things for you, Lord don't let me be comfortable or complacent in my faith. Teach me, challenge me, use me, and continue to give me a kingdom vision. I want to be ruined for everything but you, Jesus. Lord give me a new heart like David said in the Psalms,
          "Teach me your way, Lord, that I may rely on your          faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may

          fear your name.” (Psalms 86:11 NIV) AMEN!”

I’m going to be honest, all of this is a struggle for me.  A lot of the time I have the, “but God, I got this” or the “at least let me help you with this” attitude.  An undivided heart though doesn’t call me to partially surrender; it demands that I fully surrender daily.  An undivided heart says, “Lord not my will but yours.”  That’s not a naturally easy place for us to go, but I can tell you that it’s a beautiful place to be.  It’s not an easy place to get to, but it’s worth fighting for! 

I don’t know who will end up reading this blog, or where you are with the Lord, but I just wanted to share with whoever does ends up reading this that God is here.  He’s right here.  He tells us that He is our Sanctuary, our refuge, a place of safety.  If you’re walking through a dark time, run to Him!  Let Him be God! 

If you’re like who I used to be two years ago, you’re kind of dipping your toes in the Jesus pool, let me encourage you to just dive in!  Words cannot explain how much freedom there is in fully surrendering all of who you are to Jesus. There’s freedom, there’s forgiveness, and there’s hope!  The Lord tells us that He gives us a new spirit and an undivided heart.  Ya’ll He is for us!  He is working everything for our good and His glory!  Rest in that.  Surrender it all.  

I’m still praying through this, I’m a definite work in progress; I don’t by any means have this all together.  I’m constantly praying that the Lord gives me an undivided heart and that I run to Him as my place of refuge, that I truly view God as my Sanctuary and my first love.  So I’m not done with Ezekiel yet, not even close, but I’m thankful for what the Lord is teaching me, even through the hard stuff :)