You can be both a mess and a masterpiece

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress, simultaneously.” Sophia Bush

Let’s be real, it’s hard to believe that truth. It’s hard to believe that YOU are a masterpiece when you feel like a hot mess. Real talk::this is something that I have really been struggling with a lot lately. I feel like a legit MESS 98% of the time. From the outside looking in, you probably wouldn’t know it, or at least I hope not, but most days I feel like I have nothing figured out.

If you would have asked me ten years ago what my life would have looked like at age 31, it wouldn’t even come close to the life I’m living. Some days I’m okay with that. And some days it sucks and I’m not okay at all.  It’s difficult to explain, but it’s almost like grieving a life you wished for, while still wanting to be present and thankful for the one you have.

It’s hard living in that in between. There are truths that I KNOW, but struggle to believe for myself.

I know that God is good, and He is withholding NOTHING good from me. I know that.

But I don’t feel it, not even a little bit. I feel the opposite of Him being for me. Truthfully, it feels like God could not care less about the desires of my heart, and what I want.

But in the same breath I know that my feelings aren’t truth. But the tension between feelings and truth is hard to navigate.

I know that God’s timing is perfect. I believe that for other people.

But I don’t feel like His timing is perfect for me. I feel forgotten by Him.

I know that I was made exactly how I was created to be.

But I often feel unwanted and insignificant in this crazy big world.

Again, I know that these aren’t truths. They're feelings, and while our feelings can be good indicators, they aren’t ultimate.

To be really honest, I’m going through a season right now where I feel really angry at God, and my anger has bread indifference. For a while, I didn’t tell anyone. I didn’t want to deal with it.  I just wanted to be angry. And some most days, I still don’t want to deal with it.

I feel angry because I feel forgotten, and unwanted, and like NOTHING I ever want in life works out for me. I struggled to understand how a God who loves me can just watch this happen. I came to a place where I just felt done, like I had nothing left to give. I didn’t feel like God was for me. And I’m still there. I’m not on the other side of this yet. Sometimes, I feel like I don’t know if I ever will be. It’s scary, and hard, but I think the only way it’s going to get better is to bring it into the light. 

So often I think we’re scared to be vulnerable and honest with other people, but let’s be real, I don’t think there are many of us who walk through life feeling like we have it all together. I think that’s the beauty of realizing that we are a masterpiece, and a work in progress all at the same time.

I’m not who I was last October, and I’m confident that I’ll be different in the future than I am now. Growth is a process, it’s often slow, and even though this season is hard, it’s not without purpose. Tonight, I’m choosing to believe that I’m both a masterpiece and a work in progress.